High Cinema or: Satyajit Ray Can Suck It

The Elephanta Caves are located on an island across the harbour from Mumbai. The site is small but interesting, though I enjoyed the boat ride far more than the caves! OK, I'm not an architecture buff, I'll admit it. And the heat was making me coco loco. Here's an excerpt from the overpriced guide booklet that I bought at the entrance: 'In 1534 A.D. the island passed into the hands of the Portuguese... ...The Portuguese soldiers fired several shots from a big gun into the cave to test the echo, thereby breaking some of the sculptures and pillars.' What a bunch of dicks. I suppose they eventually got tired of shouting "Ronaldo is an asshole!... ldo is an asshole... an asshole... hole" Big guns then enter the picture.

Arriving on the jetty at Elephanta Island, I passed a young guy wearing a t-shirt that stated "Bollywood Sucks!" He must not have been at the cinema the night before, as I was, enjoying the shit out of Golmaal 3. When I entered the theatre it was with great wariness - how could I view Golmaal 3 without having enjoyed its predecessor Golmaal Returns? Ánd I assume Golmaal had original adventures even before he returned. How presumptuous of me! Would you sit down to watch American Pie 3: The Wedding without having first absorbed the nuanced humour of American Pie and American Pie 2? Not likely!

Most foreign language films would be unbearable to sit through without English subtitles, but Bollywood is mostly about enjoying universal themes: lurid colours, butt injuries, exploding jet skis, fistfights, choreographed dance, miscommunications with the hearing impaired, lost love, and practical jokes using crazy glue. You know - the essential things that make us human.